Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Alot has led me here

To fill a few in and to maybe give some insight into one of the things that has led me here. 
"Caution sad moment but with a happy ending."

2012 has been a very interesting year thus far. I started this year out on a new journey, a fresh start if you will. Planning to make many changes, adjust my view and truly fulfill my life. Easier said then done, I know, but I had goals and was on a mission. I was off to a rough start but pulling along with each down there was an up. I was trying to stay focused and count the positives as fast as I could. I pulled from the strength and encouragement of those around me and most of all my parents. Then in early February, I lost my father suddenly and all that I was creating and planning halted.

It has been an interesting battle ever since. I use interesting because all though it has been very hard and a sad time there has been also many realizations as well. I have never been at a loss for words or actions but at that moment everything disappeared and my world stood still. I quickly realized the rest of the world did not share my sudden break in movement and became very lost in the whirlwind that spun around me. I clung to every sense of purpose I could find but found that with each task it was not helping, just temporarily distracting me.

I took a break from my life in hopes of making some sense of what had happened and of what was to come. I found much comfort in those that surrounded me and shared their thoughts and condolences. Though many times I found myself wanting to say "I will pass that on" as it couldn't possibly be me they your talking to. We never think of being in that situation truly it's always someone else that it happens to. For me I have always been use to being there for others whether in a time of need or to just brighten up there day. There is nothing more foreign then needing people to be there for me. I have had my low's like anyone else but one thing I have always been good at is bouncing back and there was no bounce left for this situation.

As I stopped and look around at all those greatly effected you realize however greatly you are intertwined by your shared  love for something or someone the effect and feeling is truly so different with each relationship. This realization can truly at a time like this leave you feeling alone in the company of many.

My Dad and I had a different relationship right from the beginning and of lately it was only getting better and stronger. We have made some great memories, had some incredible talks and even butted heads from time to time, of course we did my dad was strong headed and strong willed and  well I'm his daughter so double dose. But no matter what we were close and I looked to him for guidance, comfort, approval and a good dose of reality when I was off in the clouds.

With each day after there was ups and downs happy moments, sad moments, laughter and tears. The day leading up to my dad's funeral I scrambled to write to be able to say something that would have purpose and do justice in honoring my father and with each touch of the pen to paper nothing. I was still blank I panicked, worried even got angry at my lack of thought. I decided that I would say nothing and just be blank as that was all I seemed to know how to do. As I sat in the church so many thoughts and feelings rushed in and out but there was this one feeling of certainty that kept pushing at me. As the minister nodded to me I nodded back with out any doubt in my mind I was speaking. I spoke that day though I could not really tell you what I said even if I tried it wasn't about being purposeful or doing my father justice it was about me and him pure and simple. He was with out a doubt with me every step of the way at that moment and I thank him for that.

Since then it has been a constant battle to find my creativity and inspiration but I have had good days and bad. I even debated quitting photography all together (Gasp). Through all of this there has still been that constant push a push filled with energy and life the same push I felt the day of the funeral. A constant reminder that I can do this, that there is still a purpose, that I have passion for life and creating and that my dad walks along side me. 

It is so easy to just rush through life and forget to reflect and bask in it all so this will be my time and my reminder to stop and recap. My time to talk and share with my Dad, with myself and with whoever chooses to read.

Happiness start's with a smile

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